Why Am I Tipping Everyone?

Damnit all to hell!

I am tired of tipping everybody. Seriously, this is turning into an epidemic. There are tip jars everywhere nowadays! Tip jars at Subway, at KFC, at every conceivable food provider, including Kwik Trip stores.

I'm thinking of putting a jar on my desk at work with a cute little sign which states, "college fund," or "hemorrhoid surgery fund." All I'll have to do is start each day with a crisp dollar bill of my own in there to welcome the onslaught of giving I will receive.

"Hey, there's a dollar in there," they'll say. "Let's add to this fund! It must be a well-needed one, no doubt."

With this added income I can finally replace my 19" rims with some 20" dubs! Maybe I'll have enough dinero left to buy my lady a carton of Palmals.

How did this happen? Did some high school kid, working the 6-midnight shift at Taco Bell decide one day that the minimum wage he was earning wasn't enough money to offset his meth addiction and therefore put a tip jar out? "Hey, you know what? Thanks for putting the tacos in the bag for me. Here's a 20-spot." Puh-lease!

Everywhere I turn now, I'm tipping people. Hell, I half expected to see a tip jar during my last dental cleaning. "Here's a couple extra bucks for not scraping all of my enamel off."

I saw tip jars at the Valvoline service station, at the liquor store, at Hallmark, even the Customer Service desk at TJ Maxx had a jar asking for "Lasik Eye Surgery Fund."

I get tipping people at restaurants and bars - to a certain extent - but why at places where people are making a decent wage? Don't come to me with that BS about minimum wage not being enough. I made $3.75 working at the Cub Foods produce department, but you didn't see me with a tip jar. "Hey, thanks for separating all the apples."

If you provide me a good service at a restaurant, I'll tip you well. What I will not do is tip the "Sandwich Artists" at Subway. Come on. Really? It's going above and beyond putting all the condiments on my sandwich? Piss off.

TO - INSURE - PROMPT - SERVICE = T.I.P.

That's where it comes from. People began tipping in restaurants when their server provided them prompt and courteous service, not when their gynecologist warmed the lube up.

I'm done with it, that's for damn sure. Don't glance at the tip jar and then back at me. I aint fallin' for that anymore.

"Hey, Mr. Policeman. You know what, I am going to give you a little something extra. Hell, it's not everyday you bust me with a speeding ticket. Thanks for going the extra mile."