Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Fan Mail: Session 8

Well it's that time again. Time for me to switch my Hyundai's oil from 10w over to the good old reliable 5w30. Nothing says winter like viscosity, right? Am I right?

It's also time for me to answer fan mail. Again?! Since I'm knee deep in bags-o-mail, I thought I'd dive right in, but I do have a few things I'd to talk about up front.

At my current place of employ, I've made a move in career station location. Whereas I used to be located 8 feet from a lovely bathroom, I am now a metric-mile away from the nearest place of disposal. I used to be able to go to the bathroom whenever the mood hit me as I was so close in proxemity, even if I didn't have to go but just wanted to mingle. Now with my being incredible lazy and the bathroom too damn far away, I've found that I'm holding my urine in (literally, at times, by pinching the tip of my wedding tackle) for hours at a time. When I finally determine that it's time to extricate my golden flow (determined by a sharp pain in my bladder region and cold sweats), I've found that I've waited so long that I'm basically racing to the stall in fear of having an accident. It's a weird trade off - I don't go as often, but I end up spending a good portion of the work day keeled over in pain.

One more item for discussion (don't you like how I always call it "a discussion," like I'm talking to someone? What a tool.): I wish I had been a bit more proactive in buying stock in Weight Watchers, Inc. The reason is this - Weight Watchers is the parent company of Lean Cuisine, a product which is filling our company's fridge. Each year at this time, the women and one dainty man - Jeff, our booking agent - that I work with go on these weight-loss regimens, spurred on by a low sense of self-image, television campaigns, and New Year's resolutions. "I'd like to lose 20 lbs," one weak-minded fool will say as she stuffs 4000mg's of sodium into her mouth. Like clockwork, the Weight Watchers stock spikes and I am left with another missed opportunity to make money off of the low self esteem of my coworkers (remember the push-up bra fad (WHO DOESN'T) of aught-6? Man, I would've made a killing off of Victoria's Secret stock had I put their catalog down for a minute and bought some. Anyway, give these people 4 weeks and they'll be back to eating deep fried cheeseburgers and sticks of butter.

On to your questions:

"I absolutely love you guys!! Your energy on-stage is contagious and I wondered how you get yourself up for shows? Can't wait to see you at Tiff's in February!!"
Meghan - St. Paul

First off, thanks for the letter Meghan and thanks for being a fan. I love you. As far as getting up (that's what she said!) for a show, I can't speak for the other members of the band, except for Laura who's pre-show routine is a session or 3 with her bed-toy and a violent round of diarrhea. My pre-show routine consists of three kicks to the testicles by my 5-year old son; two to the left ball and the third and usually the hardest to the right. I follow this up with some deep breaths, a shot of mouthwash - both for the booze and to give my teeth that "clean feeling" - and lastly I think of you and know that if I don't give you my all, I'll feel like a piece of crap. You - and I'm talkin' about you specifically, Meghan - deserve 98% each and every show! I leave the last 2% for fear and shame, if need be. Thanks again for the letter.


"Any chance I can get a date or at least some lovin' from your HOT AS HELL bassist? She's pretty much the hotest (SIC) thing you guys have going!"
The Todder - Cool Town

Dude, no offense, but going with "The" before your name is a bit lame. "Hey, I'm The Collin." Actually, that's not half-bad. And you're from "Cool Town"? Really? I'm glad we have more female fans than male fans to be honest, as I don't need to perform in front of "Cool Town's" graduating class of all shirtless dudes. Your question is one I get all the time; both at shows and in print form. Our bass player, Laura, is attractive. She doesn't quite realize this yet, which is actually to my benefit as I don't have to share the front of the stage with her as she hides back by the fog machine. As she's never had so much as a deep tongue kiss, I don't know how to get action from her or how to get her to "feel" you. I do know what she DOESN'T like and that list is as follows:
  • Come-ons such as "I'll let you hold my instrument any day of the week" or "I must be a cannibal because I want to eat you."
  • Standing to next to her on stage, licking your lips and mouthing, "you have no idea... damn girl..."
  • Telling her to "ditch these geeks and come party with you, your buddy Spitz, and "this" bottle of Jag."
  • Giving her performance tips, suggesting ways to improve her play or - and this is the worst - asking to play a song or two with the band suing her bass, as you are also in a band.
  • Having a penis

So, thanks for your question, best of luck taking "The Clear," and we'll see you at a show soon. Sincerely, The Collin


"How do you pronounce your band name? Is it The Sub - CITIES or what? I love you so much and can't wait to see you for the HUGE St. Patty's day show - it's going to be epic!"
Tasha - Hibbing

Tasha - Take a sledge hammer and bang your head a few times. I'm glad you're a fan and thank you for your support, but if you can't pronounce a basic bit of English - "SUBSIDIES" - then you may need to just end it now. I sure the hell wouldn't ask someone how to pronounce "Bacon". "Is the "C" silent? Is is Ba-on?" I don't mean to be rough on you as I'm sure you're hot as hell - most of our fans are -but come on. SUB - SID - EES.


"Hey, you guys are flippin' ridic! Your first album is still in my 5-disc player and I request "That's What She Said" on KDWB's drive-time... STILL. My question is about your upcoming album, The Ill-Advised Audio Experience. Are you changing your sound like other bands always do after a successful debut? I hate that. Either way, I'm buying it and am planning on seeing you at the Inferno this weekend."
Krissy - Mankato

Krissy - thanks for a few things: being a fan, being hot, using the term "redic" in a sentence, listening and still requesting our music, and lastly, for bragging about owning a 5-disc CD changer. You must be rich.

I'm glad you asked about our second album. I too hate when big groups decide that, "hey, we were SO successful on the first album and people love us, but let's write the music ourselves now and go in a new direction." Brittney did this. The Backstreet Boys did this. All the huge bands! I say dance with the girl you brought to the dance, but later ditched to go to the sweet party at Brad's house, but later met up with again after no one hotter would make out with you. Our first album and new album will have the same feel to them. We're going to add some more electronic drum beats on a few new songs, but only because Dave bought the new KJ3000 Synth-kit and it has 80's pop-beats on it, but other than that, expect awesomeness!


Well, that's it for this week. I'll try to throw down some more feedback next week. We're also hoping to have a live chat next week. We're just looking into technology which will allow such an event to occur.

Until then, I love you like I love mayo and cheese sandwiches. Be well and we'll see you Saturday at the Inferno. Be sure to check out the opener, KickTin, they're a blast and extremely talented!



Grant said...
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Grant said...