M E A T R A F F L E

What is it about downtown Hopkins and meat raffles? "People in the affluent western burbs like to gamble," reasons Pat Stebe, who has owned Decoys's with her life partner for nearly 20 years, "…and they love their meat." Fair enough. It's a Thursday at 5:00 p.m., time to commence Decoy's weekly raffle, whose proceeds benefit the GOP’s committee for the arts, which holds bi-monthy gatherings at the Jujitsu dojo just down the street. A table near the door of the cozy but clean joint is stacked with delectable offerings from local rock band, the Subsidies. After a few beers for the un-shaven, unruly, over-50 crowd (of the female persuasion) and a few hits of GHB for the band, the would-be crochet club is instructed to “prepare to grab your meat, ladies!”

Guitarist J. Lover is first to take the stage, whipping out a delectable offering of his special pin bone sirloin cut. “It’s the motion of the ocean, ladies. This feels as good on your tongue as it does slithering down your throat coated in my secret recipe hot sauce.” And the winner is… Number 115!!!! This goes to the decidedly un-petite Penelope situated over by the pool tables, draped in plaid. Yes, you! J. will make sure you’re getting filled tonight! Mmmm mmm.

Next up is drummer and brother D. Lover, or as he’s affectionately referred to on the meat raffle circuit, “big daddy t-bone.” Yes ladies, Big D’s meat may be the elder statesman of selections, an overly used tried and true cut of straight beef, yet you keep coming back for more. D’s beef goes straight to the lucky Phyllis (or is that Phillip??) holding number 212 in the back… and that’s just where he’ll give it to you.

Moving on, we have guitarist G-rant, who brings to the table his patented “hot beef injection” system. Yes, that’s right, the lucky winner tonight will not only receive the axe-slinger’s very own high quality ground beef chuck pre-marinated, sloppy joe style (watch out, splatter has been known to cause pink-eye… plastic wrap not included), but they will also receive his very own hot beef injector, perfect for working your beef into all sorts of unanticipated scenarios, such as beef cornbread, beef tossed-salad, or warm beef pie (see below). Winner, number 87, Louise with the latex gloves! Congratulations! You’ll need them.
Louise inspects G-rant's beef pie for rogue hairs.

Selection number four comes from singer Collin, who features tonight his famous tip-steak. “Ladies, lets play a little game I like to call ‘just the tip.’” Collin brings to the table a fresh selection, as he recently took some time off from the meat raffle circuit to attend to family matters. “Let’s just say my offering has been thoroughly tenderized, as I’ve had plenty of opportunity to beat my meat.” The frontman’s package goes to number 51, Geraldine in the front row! Settle down there grandma, don’t pill your favorite pair of underoos.

Finally tonight we feature luscious Laura’s tasty spread. The bass player always comes prepared, featuring a variety of moist offerings for all to enjoy. From two stuffed chicken breasts, to succulent boneless loin, to her (surprisingly) signature pungent Ahi tuna steak, Laura never ceases to simultaneously amaze, attract, and repel. “Can I get another roll of tickets?!?” shouts Dorris from the dartboard. Yes you can, Dorris. Yes you can. Word has it Laura might even pay for those once the GHB kicks in.

Bar owner, Pat closes out the event with a final sound-byte: "The rest of my family is in the meat business, so I know what to look for," she says, stroking her she-stache and surveying the evenings’ booty. She’s found a certain quality in the Subsidies not offered by rival meat rafflers on the circuit, and she’s not shy about her opinions. “I’ll handle any shank they can toss my way.” It’s nice to know when you’re appreciated.