Thursday, October 18, 2007

Arch of Urine

Well, my rights have been, at least temporarily, un-suspended by our ever-negative curmudgeon for a drummer - Dave "Lover" Lover. I was forced to the sidelines as I tended to be "too negative" in my pointing out the different types of audiences a live band encounters. Anywho, with this great power restored, I thought I'd get "back into the old swing of things with a blog post on the men's room, specifically the area in front of a urinal or toilet.

As many of you know, men have penises and use said attachment to alleviate themselves of bodily fluids. I'll focus on the yellow, more fluid of these bodily functions - urine.

Each day, around 5AM - or the time Laura is waking up and plugging new batteries into her friend "Vibey" - the local Custodial Engineer (we'll call him Fred) finishes cleaning the many bathrooms at our company. As he walks out of the last cleaned "John," he looks back and thinks to himself, "Man, in about 40 minutes, this place will start getting destroyed by these bastards!"

Men at my work, it seems, have a tough time with aim.

One of the issues supporting this is that the majority, say 98%, of the employees of our company are of the Caucasian persuasion (great band name, by the way!). If we follow this logic and any pre-conceived well-known realities about us "white dudes," we'll all agree that most of us, ahem, are not blessed with penises which have a lot of length (yeah, but we make up for this by having skinny ones too). I'm OK with this. Because of this, we're forced to make up for a reduced amount of length - or reach, if you will - by getting as close as possible to the urinal. This is easy when the bathroom is clean, but later in the day... not so much.

Because men are dirty, nasty bastards and because us white dudes have smaller "members" than our non-Caucasian brethren, we create a horrible effect.,which we'll call "Urinal Arch."

The urinal arch starts out as a couple of measly drops. A man will piss and during his "shake-shake-shake" will drop a couple of droplets of urine on the once-pristine floor in front of the urinal. Well, two drops become four. Four become Nine. Nine become a small pool. A small pool becomes a river. By the time mid-day rolls around we're forced - unless we want to stand directly in a pool of HIV (it's clean I suppose, but I always default to the thinking it's worst disease) - to stand back of the arch and try to aim for the urinal. Now, instead of being able to stand right in front of the potty and make up for any size problems, we're forced to act like Chad Pennington and "heave" the urine into the urinal. It's not as easy as one would think. Ladies, you get to hover and dump, we aim.

This only makes the arch larger.

By the time "Fred" gets back to clean the next day he's faced with a 9'x5' river/pool of urine and he's pissed. Add this to the fact that a person or two have decided to miss hit the toilet and drop fecal matter onto the floor and he's as close to going postal as it gets.

One more thing:

Because our office has limited urinals, many men are forced to use the shitters for their urine-removal needs. Now, when you have to actually use a sit down toilet, you are either forced to have your shoes rest comfortably on a the aforementioned pool of piss or try and hold your feet up like a woman giving birth. Either way is not conducive to a proper poop.

Men, I urge you - AIM BETTER! Please.

Oh, we have a HUGE show coming up at Tiffany's in Highland Park. It's a Halloween show and if you wear a costume, you'll get great drink specials. Plus, we have beads and neon-thingys.

Check us out on-line at http://www.thesubsidies.com/.

Peace out and piss in....