Cougar Hunting

COUGAR: pronounced "Cou-Gar"
–noun, plural -gars, (especially collectively) -gar.
Attractive, older woman, usually, but not limited to, someone who has been divorced, with small to moderate sun damage (visible around the eyes from spending too much time at Maynards, Zorbas in Brainered or other outdoor establishments brimming with attractive young men) who seeks out the company - usually sexual in nature - of younger, attractive men (preferably those with "popped" collars).

With the modern proliferation of Cougar attacks in and around the metro area, three members of local cover band the Subsidies attended a week long conference and training seminar on not only how to spot a Cougar, but how to render them useless. It was an eye-opening event.

Recent scientific studies show that there has been a 74% increase in Cougar attacks in and around music venues in 2008 - an increase of 24% over 2007. With the recent, well documented attacks on Clairvoyance's lead singer, Steven Smertle, and Destiny's Awareness guitarist Bill "Killer" Bode, the younger, more attractive members of the Subsidies (Collin, Grant, and Joe) wanted to find out what defensive spells, charms, and/or leg kicks were available should these raisin-titted women happen to attack one of or all of them.

"I was a bit apprehensive at first, being that I have been burned by these so-called training sessions in the past," explained the farmer-tanned Subsidies guitarist as he recalled the infamous 2005 conference on mitigating the chant for FREEBIRD by local concert-goers. "What I've learned in the past is you pay money, show up, they hand you a binder with worthless info and ask for another $100 for a series of DVDs."

With a bit of hesitancy, the men left for the seminar, which took place in beautiful Tampa Bay, Florida - home to a reported 12,430 Cougars.

"The training was crazy!" explained Lover as he reflected upon the intensive, some would say barbaric, training sessions the trio immersed themselves in. "Not only did they offer me valuable ninja-moves to compensate for these Cougar's attack moves, but we were taught how to spot a Cougar WELL before they would even attack."

In Tuesday's HOW TO SPOT A COUGAR FROM A COUNTRY MILE AWAY session, Collin, Grant, and Joe were shown slides and video of actual Cougar attacks on musicians. Among the telling signs of a Cougar:

• The aforementioned sun damage
  Married women have no need to tan as they've already given up hopes of being attractive.
• Animal print clothing
  Women who are NOT desperate have no need to camouflage themselves as animals. They know this is a horrible, horrible look
• Visible NON-taupe colored bra straps and/or thong
  Married women ONLY wear taupe. Period. Younger, non-Cougars (aside from those one may see riding on a crotch rocket) have moved on to boy short-style underwear and high-assed jeans.
• Humorous screen printed t-shirts
  Cougars who missed this exciting trend of 2005 are now seen sporting tees ranging from:
  "Boy Toy"
  "With a shirt like this, who needs pants"
  "I'm kind of a big deal around here" based off of 2003's Anchorman
  "I like it on top" complete with image of bunk bed
  "If found, return this shirt to my ex husband - and the condoms"
• They only travel in packs
  If you see a group of middle-aged women, dressed in Target-brand clothing, those are Cougars (or the wives of the band)
• They'll feign interest in the newer tunes, such as The Killers and The Fray, but will go ballz crazy over the classics; anything Journey or Rick Springfield related. It's impossible for them not to go berserk over these.
• As a default, her clothing will skew as close as possible to that of a stripper.

With their training behind them, the men feel much more confident in being able to not only spot Cougars, but fend them off.

"I'm much more excited for this week's show at The Haze (a bastion for Cougars) knowing I have this knowledge and skill set," said Wright as he sharpened a set of ninja stars.

"If a Cougar steps up and tells me about her and her girlfriends' hotel room, I won't simply have to make up some story about having to drive back home. I can kick her in the legs and make a clean getaway."