Let's See How Far We've Come

You may not know this -- and by "you" I mean the 4 people, all Vander Heydens, who actually read this blog -- that I and the other band mates have full time jobs not band-related. Whereas someone like Bono or Billy Corgan or Paris Hilton for that matter wouldn't find themselves somewhere in middle-management on their non-band time, I on the other hand do.

I, like two of my other band cohorts (Joe and Grant), work for a successful web company. We play music as an outlet to release any sort of stress I suppose, although some might suggest it's our last chance to act young -after all who wants to see a bunch of 40-year old wannabes playing Killers tunes?

During the day we find ourselves working in cube land; attending meetings which seem to revolve around planning subsequent meetings, wearing nice slacks and TJ Maxx-styled dress shirts, and, of course, eating from the trough that is the birthday buffet.

The birthday buffet is a general term used in explaining communal food parties held at offices across this great nation of ours. Birthdays, retirements, celebrations of hitting KEY METRICS, etc. We gather together, share "how do you dos" and eat food items ranging from bagels to donuts, to cake and ice cream to fruit platters.

This blog entry isn't about these gatherings, per se, but more about how we seemed to have not actually evolved as humans. Let me explain.

The other day an email went out from the executive secretary letting everyone know that left over pizza from some board meeting was available in one of the main hallways. Now one would think or half-imagine that as grown, mature, and educated adults, we wouldn't be so quick to jump for a few boxes of cold, half-eaten pizza, but apparently I was off.

Not so much as 1 minute had passed since the aforementioned comic sans-laden email been sent out when the hallway was jammed with people trying to get their mits on some grub. Hadn't they eaten just an hour ago? There were no lines, no formality, just a pack of wild beasts attacking the pizza with such voracity that I half imagined peoples limbs being torn asunder amidst the pizza feast.

This wasn't the only such incident either. Just yesterday a similar bit of correspondence was sent out letting us all know donuts and other similar pastries were available and that we should help ourselves. You should've seen the stampede! It was as if the members of the Chilean (or was it Argentinian?) rugby club had just scaled down the Andes fresh off of some cannibalistic adventure and made contact with the assorted goodies. People were grabbing pastries quicker than Brittney Spears grabs for a man's love sack on the first date. Some people had stuffed small muffins down their pants, while another woman licked three donuts knowing full well that this would stop others from grabbing them - it didn't.

My question is "How far have we REALLY come?" Everyone here is a college (equivalent, at least) graduate making between $35k - 6-figures a year. People dress themselves, speak grammatically correct (except for the use of "supposubly" and "irregardless"), wash their hands after going #2 on an average of 76%, and generally seem well put together.

It seems, however, that when the option of free food, even food which has been touched, is made available, we revert 100,000 years and go all "caveman" on that ass! If you've ever seen a pack of cavemen bring a mastodon to the ground and tear it apart - screaming in the air over their conquest - then you know what these office scenes look like. I get freaked out, man! When the email goes out, I hide under my desk.

Perhaps our DNA hasn't completely made the change from hunter to civilian yet? Perhaps we need this primordial urge to attack the various foods to keep our hunting abilities relatively intact, just in case Armageddon comes and we're forced, one again, to bring down the mastodon (only this time, the mastodon is a freshly unearthed cake, with only one missing piece)?