I wish...

I wish I were cooler.

I wish I came across as one of "those" guys. I'm just not, nor have I ever been one of "those guys."

I remember in High School, there was a kid named Jeff. Jeff could not only draw really well - you should have seen his drawings of Anna Nicole Smith (he mastered the shading around her breasts) - but he also had a car. And, not just any car. He had a red Trans Am with a huge Firebird painted on the hood. I didn't have anything quite as cool. I had to share a Geo Metro with 2 brothers. It was and remains one of the least safe cars ever produced, even rating worse than those Ford Explorers which rolled over and burst into flames for no apparent reason. Every night I left my mom would yell, in jest (I think), "Is your will in order?"

Jeff was much cooler. Jeff would be able to pull into the school parking lot in his sparkling red Trans Am, mullet-laden in all its golden splendor, holding a fresh batch of pencil drawings of the latest Guess girl. People clammored to Jeff.

I used to watch him - study him, really. I always tried to mimic him in everything from dress to style. I did well enough, getting through high school by making my name known as the king of outercourse and having a few friends less cool than me. The problem was, I wasn't, and still am not, looked at or remembered as one of those "cool guys."

I don't have a cool job. I don't drive anything all that great. My clothes are nice and all, but I can't pull off that wrinkled, cowboy look very well. I still can't draw sweet pictures, nor can I pull of a faux hawk.

Man, I just SO wish I was cool.

You know whom I'd like to be more like? The guys who work at the Verizon or Sprint Mobile kiosks at the mall. You know the type, right?

The cell phone kiosk guy - we'll call him "The Brad" - is so god damn cool. He works for a large company, but doesn't have to dress like it. He wears rockin' faded/ripped American Eagle jeans, a radical graphical tee - something with a pinata and text stating "I'd Hit That" - he has motorcycle boots, but doesn't own a motorcycle (I could NEVER pull that off). His hair is faux hawk to the 10's, appearing as if he just jaunted out of the shower and "Blammo," his hair was just perfect - you know, the whole "Hey, I don't care, but really I care" look? He's, obviously got more cell phones than he needs to have, but what the shit, he can. He's got a blackberry, a Razor, a Krazor, Sidekick, and just to make me feel less "cool," he has a sweet-ass iPhone. Dick.

To really add to his non-Collinness, he completes his look with a leather wrist band, a leather wrist band watch, and the coup de gras, a coral necklace. Just one look and you know - FOR SURE - that this guy, even though he's 26 - 38 years old, still rocks Spring Break in Cancun and STILL waxes a ton of ass.

I wish I was cool.

The kiosk worker even walks, stands, and talks cooler than any other guy - including car salesman. He acts like he doesn't even need your business. Hell, with all the hotties stopping by to hang, I imagine he has enough business as it is and surely - as the restraining order says - "doesn't need a dork hanging around soaking up all the cool vibes."

Just seeing him and the cool guy who works the remote control helicopter kiosk together you know your in the company of awesomeness.

I suppose had I spent more time drawing chicks in high school or saved enough money to buy a Ponitac Fiero or something cool, I could be hanging out with these dudes. i just bet.

I wish I was cool.