It appears or at least according to a recent study compiled by the Right-wing hate-rag Pioneer Press, that I am officially the last Minnesotan of legal age - 18 and older - to not own a boat. And yes, they actually named me - "Collin Hummel, 32, of Apple Valley, is officially the last remaining non-boat owner in the state after Larry Gerbins, 21, of Sauk Center purchased a 20-foot Lund WaveMaster." The study, in my opinion, was compiled by the Press with the help of Boat SuperStore "Forest Lake Motor Sports," to either show the over-abundance of boats in the state or simply another way to make me feel belittled - remember their 1999 article, which was retracted 2 weeks later, "Area Man, Collin Hummel, officially loses virginity through couch sex."? Let's just say they don't care for me much. Well, the feeling is quite mutual.Anyway, as the official last person to not own a boat, I feel it's my duty to offer an explanation. You see, I am not - and I know this comes as a big shocker, considering my penchant for buying pink dress shirts - an outdoorsy type of guy. I'd much rather stay in a 4-pool Holiday Inn than risk a tick bite or a kinked neck from sleeping on the ground. And don't get me started on drinking lake water or pooping in a dirt hole. Buying a boat would really be me caving for the sake of simply owning a boat and that's something I am not prepared to do. I could afford it. Oh, don't get me wrong, if I wanted to I could buy the biggest damn boat out there. It's just, if I really need to go boating, I'll leech onto one of my many boat-owning friends and save myself the hassle of launching it and then cleaning it. Plus, if someone (maybe even me) falls off the boat and gets mauled in the propeller, it's the owner's fault and not mine - even if I pushed the person. Can you say "premises liability"?
Truth of the matter is this - I don't much care for boats. Oh sure, the roar of an engine is great as is sitting back and getting a great tan, but at what expense? Where do I store it? Whom do I invite? How do I even get the boat to a lake and what lake do I go to? Man, I'm pooping a little just thinking of all the responsibilities.
I have a friend, who we'll call "Big-fat Tina". BFT and her boyfriend, the Todder, recently purchased their second boat (I guess they weren't happy with one alone) - giving them a sport boat and a stay-over night boat. Oh, to be wealthy! Now as I lay comfortably on my couch, they are having to find 2 garages big enough to hold these wastes of money, as well as insurance, gas, friends to take out and try and impress, etc, etc, etc... It just doesn't appeal to me.
I received an email of support today from Amanda Tucker of Kenosha, Wisconsin. You see, Amanda is in a similar position to me as she is the last legal-aged woman to not own a Pontiac Grand Prix. She told me, "Collin, don't listen to those bastards. You hold tight and remain true to whom you are... I love you." The note trailed off and she started talking about sex stuff, but the point of her email still rings true; "Be Yourself".
I'm not buying a boat. I'm not going to the State Fair. I'm not doing that "thing" you oh so like...
3 comments:
I feel your pain about the State Fair. My wife claims I'm "dead inside" because I don't want to go to the fair. She's probably right, because who wouldn't want to spend a sweat-laden day with the grease and batter soaked dregs of society. The overweight urchins of all rurals areas creep out of their mobile homes and consume as much as they can.
I'm embarrassed to live in this state during the state fair.
Fact - Summer in MN lasts roughly 4 weeks.
Fact - A little sunshine may help prevent certain cancers.(allows the body to product vitamin d, which is showing up in studies as helpful protection against certain types of cancer, including those of the lungs, prostate and especially the colon.)
Fact - I need all the help I can get preventing cancer of the lung area.
Fact - Boating is a social activity.
Fact - Staying connected to family & friends has physical health benefits. Several studies report fewer colds, lower blood pressure and lower heart rates in participants with strong social ties. Statistics show that marriage, perhaps the strongest tie, adds years to life expectancy. And suicide, mental illness and alcoholism rates are much lower when people feel a sense of belonging.
In summary, we are investing in our health, well-being, and futures.
Laying on the couch may be a cheaper form on entertainment - but at what cost? Can you really put a price on your future? I know I can't. It sounds like I'll be dreaming on cheese-on-a-stick a lot longer than you my friend. Think about it.
Funny thing... the Strib had an article this weekend about this topic - sort of. It stated that we are the #1 state in terms of boat owners per capita.
At least we're #1 in something.
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