Puppy Love

Since we're taking a few weeks off for Collin to make a baby, I've decided to go ahead and make a puppy. Though initially more costly to make/acquire than a baby (a quality pup will run you way more than your favorite Luther Vandross album and even the priciest box of Franzia - both commonly accepted essentials of conceiving a child), I feel I'll come out ahead in the long run.

For instance, the following is a list of socially acceptable activities and items my puppy and I will have at our disposal, whereas Mr. Hummel's employment of such tactics might cause our singer to be prosecuted for child endangerment in 48 states (not in South Carolina or Texas, in case you were wondering...):

1. Feeding him Alpo vs. Gerber: My pup will grow to all of 10 pounds. Baby Rick will bulk up to a buck fifty in no time. That's a lot of tiny little cans to purchase..
2. The attachment of a collar and subsequent use of a leash: When Lil' Ricky-Bobby Hummel starts to crawl, Collin will be SO jealous I have this option in my arsenal.
3. Clothing: Other than his badass spike collar and Subsidies doggy-style tee, my pup will require no further clothing. He GROWS his duds. Collin's kid will be decked out in Express skinny jeans and modern fit button-ups before he gets home from the hospital. C'mon now, it's Collin's kid. Don't even try to dispute me.
4. Excreting outside on the grass: I saw my teammate's little brother do this on the sidelines of our soccer game when I was a kid. The other parents watching seemed to excuse the poo, but someone promptly called the police when the child started to lift his leg near the goal post.
5. Education: Puppy Kindergarten = $90. An undergraduate education in the year 2025 = one BILLION dollars. I love that society accepts puppys cease eductational progression at the Kindergarten level.
6. Caging: My lil guy will see this act as me placing him in his personal space of comfort. A human child might very well use such an experience as justification to giving special favors to strange men in the park as method of funding his smack habit 20 years down the road. Wait, who are we kidding... 14 years.
7. Sexy Time: When my dog is through humping his plush toys and graduates to gettin' down with random bitches in the park, we can just go get his balls snipped. Done deal. When Ricky starts to visit naughty sites online... well, lets just say "surgery" really isn't the most humane option. Have fun with that convo big daddy.

and I could go on... See ya'll at Rookies on the 25th or O'Gara's on the 31st! Until then, MEET OSCAR!

Grant