It may be a given that The Subsidies are hardcore about getting you all to rock out on a bi-monthly basis, but I’m not convinced you’re fully aware of our passion for excellence (and sometimes, neither are we). Hence, this blog entry. Our band is run much like a sports team. We practice Saturday mornings, eat and drink together before shows (pizza and Highlife lite do wonders for the G.I.), and hang out with cheerleaders after the big event (Laura knows these “spotter” dudes that come by and drink all our beer – we’d make fun, but then they’d kick Collin’s ass).
Additional proof of our penchant for perfection may be found in our habit of “watching tape.” We’ve been known to get together and watch video of past performances in order to critique each other on categories such as technical virtuosity, witty banter, and general sex appeal. This month, our analysis uncovered several stage moves utilized by various members on a consistent basis. Where these moves originated is anyone’s guess, but just know we are by no means above conducting covert surveillance of opposing teams (Boogie Wonderland, Orange Whip, Summit Avenue… et al…). Below are some moves you might recognize at an upcoming Subsidies performance:
*The Gumby: This move, utilized almost exclusively by our own Laura Van, features our female bassist in a full frontal backbend for all to see. Keep a close watch, as these often come out of nowhere, usually during slow and intimate moments of the set.
*To tha flo!: Here’s a variation on the aforementioned “Gumby” backbend. Taken to the next level, you’ll see L-Van bring herself all the way down “to the flo!” Lucky she thoroughly stretches her groin before each show. She has a hard enough time recovering from this move as it is.
*Puppet Master: Coming straight from his boy-band school of thought, lead singer Collin Hummel has utilized a plethora of stage moves throughout his career, but none strike us as entertaining as the Puppet Master. This fitting gesture of leadership and superiority is executed by raising one’s hands nearly straight up in the air, then dangling your digits in a marionette-like fashion over the audience. Yes, he’s found it’s the perfect way to get the crowd to heed his every whim. “More Jagger please!”
*Commando Crawl: This bent down / head up motion frequently incorporated by the ever increasingly mobile Lover brother (Joe), serves two purposes – (1) to create tension prior to release during the sonic build-up and discharge evident in many a Subsidies composition choice, and (2) to allow said guitarist to seek out needed crowd affirmation during crucial points of the set. In less monogamous situations, this move has been known to aid artists in the determination of which female audience member(s) would accompany them backstage for casual conversation and the consumption of legal substances after the show.
*The John Mayer leg bounce: Yes we’ll admit it. Some of “our” moves may be staples penned by your favorite artists. This is all too true in the case of the John Mayer leg bounce. A long-time favorite of Grant’s, this move is accomplished by extending the left leg further out to the side, planting your right foot firmly in place while allowing the left to bounce in time off the floor. This position says “ladies, my unit is so large I’m forced to alter the position of my leg in order to play my instrument this effortlessly (as we all know I can). It’s THAT big.”
*The Jeff Worden Drumstick Swirl: Though he can’t take any creative credit, this move is named after our friend, booking agent, and drummer for acclaimed regional jazz quartet, Summit Avenue. Jeff executes night after night (that’s what she said) with flawless form and drunken abandon. Dave aspires to be a little more like Jeff every day, from sunrise to drumset.
*The Ben Anderson “I’m way cooler than you” lip curl: Another storied move a member of Summit Avenue utilizes on a regular basis, the Ben Anderson “I’m way cooler than you” lip curl originally found it’s footing with a dude by the name of Elvis and has been bastardized for decades thereafter. Not sure what I’m talking about? Go to Summit Ave’s next show, stand front and center, and keep your eyes peeled. Just like the herp, you’ll know it when it hits you.
Yup. The Subsidies are heading north to St. Cloud once again. It's scary up north. There are sasquatches (sasquatchi?), rabid moose, Canadians, wolverines, Wolverine (X-Men), and UFO abductions. It is crucial to never stray from crowds, as that's when they get cha. You're walking alone, thinking, "I just live down the street. What could happen from here to there?". Then BAM! Next thing you know, you're the designated breeder in a Sasquatch colony. Not cool.
If you don't go to Tiff's on Friday, April 11th around 9:30 pm, well, you're just stupid. Really dumb. There will be nudity, loud noises, people running with scissors, all the cotton candy you can eat in 2 minutes, a live zebra, Helen Hunt of "Twister" fame, a mechanical bull, and two albinos from Hibbing. Seriously.
